Udderly...

Words fail me, and that's not a common occurrence. I can't even call it a four-legged mug, because, well, the mug isn't being supported by legs. Would one call it four-teated? Can I even say that on the web?

The urge to resort to tacky puns is quite strong in this case, and I have udderly failed to resist. So, I'm going to revel in it instead. Here goes!

This mug is:

• udderly ridiculous
• udderly hilarious
• udderly tacky

Surely, under the circumstances, I can be forgiven.

Addendum: Pete Marshall gave me this second example of a cow udder mug at the Rockbridge Festival in 2007. Cows and kitsch go together like, well, cows and udders!

Cow Udder Mug
ceramic
Purchased at the gift shop of
"Land of Little Horses"
in Gettysburg, PA, July 2003

Cow Udder Mug
ceramic
Gift of Pete Marshall, 2007

A mug that has that certain glow...

This is the first mug in my collection for which I had the immediate reaction, "I'm not drinking out of that!" Who in the heck thought that a disembodied torso of a pregnant woman was a) a good idea, and b) something people would actually drink from. I think it's icky, but that hasn't always stopped me from putting something in my collection. Plus, it was only a dollar at the Goodwill. Perhaps it got there the same way many tasteless but well-meaning gifts do...the recipient quietly took it there as soon as the giver wasn't paying attention.

Pregnant Torso Mug
Ceramic
Purchased at the Annapolis
Goodwill Super Store, July 2003

It's Not a Mug...

The main thing to remember is that the nostrils on this pot are open, so it's not a mug. Really. It's actually an egg separator. It's not a mug. Guess where the egg whites come out? As I said it 'snot a mug. Get it? Oh, well, if you don't, just read the instructions:

"Room temperature eggs flow fast. Cold eggs produce long, hanging egg whites which you may find more entertaining or disgusting. For extra fun with a cold egg, tip separator slightly and then return to vertical. Egg will begin to flow and then retract into separator."

Although technically not a mug (I believe I've established this fact quite clearly), I do think it belongs in the "Mugs I Will Never Drink Out Of" collection.

'Snot-A-Mug(tm)
Acquired at a tacky white elephant gift exchange, January 2003
Made by Maine Artisans
Birchstone Studios, Inc.
artisans@birchstonestudios.com

Bottoms Up

What a lovely mug this is! I can't imagine what kind of person would get any sort of titillation out of a mug that has a person's rear end swinging from a metal hinge. Clearly, it is a person who is not bothered by the fact that the space taken up by the figure's derrière reduces the capacity of the mug for either coffee or cheap booze. Nor does he care about the hazard of having a butt swing perilously close to his chin as he sips his drink.

I'd like to think that there are no new ones being produced due to a rise in the level of good taste. But I'm afraid the real reason that is if a person can successfully sue McDonald's for serving (horrors!) hot coffee, what would happen if the swinging hindquarters surprised someone into spilling their hot drink? I fear for our civilization with that thought.

Bottoms Up Mug
Ceramic with moving part
on metal hinge
Acquired September 2002 at the
Saturday morning Flea Market
Eastern Market, Washington, D.C.

Two Chum Charmers?

What the heck does that mean?

When I walked up to the counter to pay for this mug, I told the man behind the counter, "I searched your entire store to find the most tasteless thing you have, and I do believe that I have found it." He just smiled, and wrapped this little mug up for me. It set me back all of $5.00 plus tax. Such a deal.

My theory on the slogan is that the mug's maker wanted to imply complicity between Eve and the snake for Adam's downfall and expulsion from the Garden of Eden. They're two chums who are both charmers? If that's the message the mug's maker was trying to get across, I'm not buying it. The message, I mean. I already bought the mug, God help me. Like I needed another mug I'll never drink out of.

Two Chum Charmers?
Ceramic mug with naked woman and a snake
Purchased in Frederick, Maryland
January 2005

Those Cold, Cold Russian Nights...

This is one more from the series "Mugs I Will Never Drink Out Of."

What would you do if you were in Moscow in the coldest months of the year? (Cue up the music to "Dr. Zhivago".) This mug, possibly from the 1970s, may hold the answer. It is a promotional ceramic mug from Smirnoff, the Russian vodka brand that has been distilled in the United States since 1934.

On the bottom of this mug is a recipe for a drink called the "Hawk Shot." All I can say is that it must get pretty cold in Russia. How I wish I had a camera to take a picture of your face when you read the ingredients of this mixed drink.

Update: While suffering through a week-long nasty cold, I decided to find out if a Hawk Shot had any redeeming qualities, particularly in curing the common cold. I mean, there has to be some justification for this drink, don't you think? The day I felt the worst, I left work early, and on the way home I stopped at the liquor store in Union Station. Got myself a bottle of Stolichnaya vodka (much better than Smirnoff, IMHO) and another of Drambuie (in case the Hawk Shot didn't do the trick).

When I got home, I mixed up the Hawk Shot, leaving out the twist of lemon, so I could try the drink with and without it. After the first sip, I realized that this was perhaps the worst drink I'd ever tasted...something like greasy vodka. To be fair, I tried a second sip with a lemon twist, and incredibly, the drink tasted even worse. It was then that I poured the entire drink down the kitchen drain. What a waste of good vodka!

This experiment was performed as a public service to my readers. Do not try this drink, I'm warning you! Thank goodness I had the Drambuie. While it does not cure the common cold, it tastes a million times better than a Hawk Shot.

Smirnoff "Hawk Shot" Mug
Ceramic
Bottom of mug
Acquired at Emmitsburg
Antique Mall,
September 2002

Oktoberfest

This mug seems to embody the true spirit of Oktoberfest, unbridled drunkenness. It depicts a man in lederhosen, still clutching his beer stein, being hauled off by a wrecker. The caption on the mug, "Gen' ma hoam, frag' net wie," has been translated for me from the Bavarian as "Let's go home, don't ask how."

Let's admit, we Americans may not have the lock on tackiness that we might aspire to.

Oktoberfest Mug
ceramic
Purchased at Mt. Rainier Antique,
Thrift and Salvage, July 2003

Stupid Beer Stein

This poorly made mug tries too hard to be funny. The one gag "Went to P leave this drink alone" fails because it's meaningless when its owner is actually drinking out of it. The "Wet your whistle" gag is not much better, however, there actually is a working whistle in the handle of this sad little object. Overall, it's poorly made. The glaze of the lettering has worn off in places, making it hard to read the pathetic little jokes.

I'll never understand why I rescued it from the gaping mouth of the dumpster, except that it's such a good example of poor taste that it was hard to pass up. Plus it was free.

Adam had him troubles with his baby

This is one of those head-scratching objects that is made even more funny by the inscription on the bottom. You have to wonder about the relationship between Connie and her "darling husband" for this to be considered an appropriate gift.

The fun of speculation is part of its appeal. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall as Connie's husband opened this gift. Did he gulp out a "Gee, uh, thanks honey" or was this some kind of inside joke about their relationship? Did he ever actually drink a beer out of it?

Who knows. I can't help but point out, however, that the fact that I picked up this treasure at a flea market for $8.00 does not bode well for the success of their marriage.

Paradise Stein
Hand-decorate ceramic
Acquired December 2002,
at L&L Flea Market,
Jeannette, Pennsylvania

Where's the rest of me?

This one's icky times two. Or three or four. The leg as a mug handle is pure kitsch. Like I want to grab some strange guy's leg and put it near my mouth. Icky. Generally I think Speedo bathing suits are icky, although thankfully we are spared the "leave nothing to the imagination" view. Another icky reaction came from turning the mug and finding that Mr. Beefcake only has one leg! Couldn't they have bothered to give this man both legs? It's bad enough that he didn't get a whole bathing suit! Finally, the third icky thing is that inside the mug, the leg that makes up the handle is hollow. So it is impossible to clean properly, except possibly in a dishwasher. You might wonder why on earth did I buy this thing, if I found it so icky? Well, go right ahead.

Pop Quiz: What does the title above, in red, refer to? Extra points to anyone who isn't from California.

Myrtle Beach souvenir mug
Purchased at Roanoke Goodwill
September 2003

Got Milk?

I think it's really tacky, and lazy writing, when newspapers take a cliché and use it in a headline. That's why the headline above belongs right here in Julie's Tacky Treasures. Besides what else can I say about this mug, except that I'm really never going to drink out of this one.

Breast Mug
Purchased somewhere on my
road trip, but I honestly do not
remember exactly where
September 2003

Truth in Advertising

Actually, according to the label on the bottom, this mug was smashed in China.

I'm such a literalist, aren't I?

"I Got Smashed in Washington, D.C., and all I got was this stupid mug. Oh, and a DWI."

Lovely sentiment.

"I Got Smashed in
Washington, D.C." mug
Purchased at Roanoke Goodwill
September 2003

More Swingin' Body Parts

This must be a follow-up to the "Bottoms Up" mug featured earlier in this presentation. I call it "Tops Up."

Before I ventured on this odyssey (or oddity, as the case may be) for mug designs that render them too offensive to actually use, I had no idea I would find such a disgusting example. I hope there isn't another, worse one out there, but I'll never know. Once I found this mug, I decided to cease this project. I can't go on.

Time to start on another project rolling around in my head: "Martians: Figment of our imaginations, or misunderstood ethnic group?"

Update! Thanks to a tip by alert tacky treasure hunter Jennifer Cutting, I have located the mate to this mug on eBay. He's a swinger, too, wouldn't you know. Don't they make a lovely couple?

Swinging Breast Mug
Flea Market, Route 30
Adams County, Pennsylvania
October 2003