Flamingoes Wearing Thongs

I used to say that I would never put pink flamingoes on my web site, because they have become too much of a kitsch icon for my tastes. I was thinking, of course, of the classic plastic lawn flamingoes. I should have known that my trip to Florida this year would expose me to more interpretations of the lovely flamingo than I ever imagined.

And so, straight from a St. Augustine, Florida souvenir shop is the most outrageous representation of the flamingo I have ever found. They're proud, they're struttin', and they're sporting some special thong bathing suits designed to accommodate their birdy tails.

Yes, nothing says tacky like a trio of flamingoes in Speedos.

Flamingoes wearing
thong bathing suits
Purchased in St. Augustine, Florida, February 2003

Have a Flake for Breakfast

You never know what you'll find at Trader Joe's. Found this one in the cereal aisle between the boxes of Hemp Plus Granola and the Moral Fiber cereal. Sorry, this was the last one, and I have not seen any more at the store since then.

Krispy Korn Flakes
with Michelle Shocked
on the front

This one's for you, John Ashcroft

The tacky treasure potential of this object was not immediately apparent to me when I purchased it. I just thought it was in poor taste, but funny. One day, as I went through my workday routine of having my purse and backpack x-rayed, a rather amusing and tacky thought occurred to me. So, the next day, I packed the metal cigarette lighter in my backpack, making sure to position it so that it would be in an upright position for the benefit of the officer doing the screening. The first two days, no one said a word to me about the contents of my backpack. On the third day, I was finally able to see my pack get screened...in other words, I saw what the police had been seeing. Since there were no other metal objects in the backpack, it couldn't have been more clear. I had been giving the police the finger.

Just a few weeks before this, the Capitol Police closed off several streets around the Capitol, including the one I walk along to go to work each morning. In the two blocks between D Street and Constitution Avenue NE, I counted 23 police officers on First Street. It makes you feel safe, unless of course, you fear that we are turning into a police state.

This one's for you, John Ashcroft.

Cigarette Lighter
Metal
Purchased at a truck stop
on I-95 in Georgia
May 2004

19th Century Tacky

More proof that tackiness is not only NOT limited to the U.S., it's not limited to the 20th or 21st centuries. Truly, tackiness is timeless, as is proved by this "Toby" teapot.

With one leg wrapped in an anatomically impossible angle to form the handle, and the "pegleg" pointed up to be a spout, this teapot reminds me of one of the Barbie dolls my niece received for Christmas several years ago. Dubbed "Gymnast Barbie," the doll should have been called "Contortionist Barbie." When my sister quickly demonstrated how easy it was to get Barbie to do the splits, my young niece's reaction was "OW!!!"

I've got a mind to start a new category of "Teapots I'll Never Brew Tea In," as a companion to "Mugs I'll Never Drink Out Of."

Toby Teapot
allegedly 19th century
English Staffordshire
Acquired in an antique store
in Kensington, Maryland
January 2004

Four Wise Monkeys

Originally the three wise monkeys of Japanese folklore (hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil), these guys add another no-no. I can't tell if the fourth monkey is admonishing us, or looking guilty for having indulged in whatever he represents. It doesn't matter to me. I think these little guys look great on my shelf next to the flamingoes with thongs and my pigs in hot pants (not currently shown on this website).

Without my globe-trotting friends, Julie's Tacky Treasures wouldn't have nearly the international flavor that it has. Keep those tacky objects coming!

Four Wise Monkeys
Gift of Steve Smith
Purchased in China
November 2003

Men of Mystery

Who are these two naked people, these two chaps named Billy, sitting on chamberpots? What is it that the one Billy can do, that the other can't? Look at the expression of frustrated concentration on Billykant's face, juxtaposed as it is with the placid, nay, blissful one on Billykan's. It speaks of a contrast between a tormented life and one of peace and tranquility.

We know their names, and perhaps the most inimate details of their toilet habits, but everything else about them is a mystery. Because although they are clearly meant to serve as salt and pepper shakers, there is no way to know which one is supposed to have the freakin' salt! Both have the same four holes drilled into their craniums, and "Made in Occupied Japan" stamped in their bases.

I guess it doesn't really matter which has the salt and which has the pepper. Who, in their right mind, would even use them for that purpose? I surely won't. I have them displayed in my bathroom where they belong, along with the other bathroom-themed salt and pepper shakers I've collected over the years.

Billykan/Billykan't
salt and pepper shakers
Purchased November 2003
in Gaithersburg Maryland
(the same store in which I found the Japanese Television Jewelry Box)

Cell phone with teeth

I think my friend Carl said it best when he remarked, "This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, 'talk your ear off'."

It's not actually a cell phone, just a cell phone cover, which didn't fit my phone. But, hey, Carl brought it all the way from Kuwait, further cementing the international flavor of Julie's Tacky treasures, along with the Chairman Mao cigarette lighter and the Oktoberfest beer stein. Like I've said before, Americans do not have the lock on tackiness, and only constant vigilance on the part of Tacky Americans will keep us in the number one spot.

Cell phone with teeth
Purchased at a market in Kuwait
Gift of Carl Gregory
November 2003

Barbarella

With hips like those, I couldn't call her "Barbie," so I named her after that campy Jane Fonda movie that I'm sure she wishes she never made.

SueEllen has an eye for tacky treasures, whether she knows it or not. Whenever I go to Floyd, Virginia, I visit SueEllen and we make a trip to Chic's Antiques. It was there, a few years ago, that she found the moonshine jug music box with the ballerina in it. It was that same keen, unerring eye for tacky that picked up this wooden nutcracker in the form of a naked lady.

Of course, a man must have come up with this undignified job for a woman. One, I might add, that she was entirely unsuited for, structurally speaking. John repaired her hip, and we've all vowed never to press her hips into service again.

Naked Woman Nutcracker
Purchased February 2003
in Floyd, Virginia
Donated by SueEllen Lawton
and repaired by John Miller

Librarian Action Figure

I don't think there are any villains out there, quaking behind their overdue books over this superhero. It's a silly joke, and I say this as a person who has a Master's Degree in Library Science, and who has worked in libraries for most of the past 32 years. I've been working too hard to obsess over what the rest of the world thinks of librarians. The only time it's come up in the past year was from some dolt at a singles event who asked me what librarians did that required a Master's degree, anyway? I did my duty for my profession and explained it to him, then I got away from him at the first polite opportunity.

I do have one issue with the action figure. I do not feel that the arm motion bringing the right index finger (known in the library biz as the "shushing finger") is dramatic enough. They should have had her shooting that baby literally from the hips.

READ MORE ABOUT IT:

• Book Slut: F**king action figure.
• CNN: Librarians oppose shushing action figure
• NPR: Librarians to the rescue
• Seattle Times:Toymaker finds librarian who's a real doll

Librarian Action Figure
(with shushing motion)
Purchased from Archie McPhee
October 2003

Quote from Nancy Pearl, on whom the action figure is modelled: "The role of a librarian is to make sense of the world of information. If that's not a qualification for superhero-dom, what is?"

Now, these are what I call action figures!

Talk about your dramatic motion; the key chains pictured here have a very special action. The pink pig and the white and black cow are soft plastic toys. When you squeeze them, they poop. I'll bet you can guess what the nose does.

These are so unbelievably tacky, that I made a movie just for you doubters out there. Enjoy. This may take a few minutes to download, on dial-up. This ain't streamin' video, pal.

(May require the free QuickTime movie player.)

Key chains from Rehobeth Beach
Gift of Jan Westervelt
August 2003

See the movie!

Twirl-O-Ghetti Pasta Fork

Pasta has existed for centuries without the aid of a hand-cranked pasta fork. That didn't stop some righteous twentieth-century American from inventing it, though. We Americans really do know what's best.

To see the fork in action, I created a short QuickTime movie, using a Nikon Coolpix 880 digital camera. In order to view it properly, please rotate your head 90 degrees counterclockwise. In my defense, I must insist that nowhere in the manual does it tell you not to turn the camera when you are in movie mode. You'll just have to forgive this tacky presentation.

See the fork in action!
Don't forget to tilt your head!
(May require the free QuickTime movie player.)

Twirl-O-Ghetti Pasta Fork
owned by
Toni Williams
who graciously provided the opportunity
to present it on this web site

It's a Miracle

I can't remember how I heard about John Freyer's project "All My LIfe For Sale." Lucky for me, he was still selling stuff on eBay, and that's how I acquired this little gem.

Because the large prong of this night light is on the wrong side, it is impossible to use it without forcing Jesus to hang upside down. With all due respect, He's been through worse.

There was a certain charm to John's ad, in which he proposed that this would be a convenient devotional figure for someone who had passed out on the floor...not that that ever happens to me.

Jesus Night Light
Purchased in 2001 from
John Freyer
as part of www.allmylifeforsale.com

John Freyer, with his former possession, the Jesus nightlight, at the Neptune Fountain at the Library of Congress

Jasmine-scented Angel Snot™

I've decided that the popularization of angels has now gone too far. I have tolerated seeing people wear angel pins and appliquéd sweat shirts because people who wear them mean well. However, it's come to my attention that those who have adopted this motif probably couldn't tell the difference between a Seraphim and a Cherubim, let alone the Thrones, Dominations, and the other lesser-known angels. And don't get me started on the introduction of angels into the pseudo-Native American imagery you can buy at truck stops. I don't think angels figure into their cosmology...I mean Native Americans, not truckers.

But the makers of Angel Snot™ have surpassed the limit of bad taste, even for me. I don't know what disturbs me more, their advertising copy, or the fact that they went so far as to trademark the name.

This was manufactured in Taiwan. It makes you wonder what people in Third World countries must think of us Americans.

Jasmine scented
Angel Snot™
Purchased on eBAy
March 2003
Available through Archie McPhee

"Although no one knows what the soul looks like, we can offer the life-giving breath of angels, Angel Snot™. This beautiful pearlescent substance is a solid manifestation of the miraculous power of angels. ...You will never be alone as long as you keep a little bit of Angel Snot™ with you."

Go Ahead, Crank My Nose

And while you're at it, pull my finger.

This print exemplifies the principle that it's hard to depict a clown without descending immediately into kitsch. The wooden knob for its nose starts the music box, which plays "Send in the Clowns." This, of course, elevates it back up into the realm of tacky treasures.

Clown print with
wooden knob for nose
Music box plays Sondheim's
"Send in the Clowns"
Acquired December 2002 at
Emmitsburg Antique Mall

Adam had him troubles with his baby...

...and that's not all. While Eve might benefit from the use of a Mark Eden bust developer, let's just say that Adam needs help in a different direction.

Just when I thought that my trip to Cape Cod would be a wash in the tacky treasure department, I stumbled across this gem. Guys, just be thankful they didn't make Eve a nutcracker.

Here's another silly song from my youth:

Adam had him
troubles with his baby.
Even Adam had him troubles too.
I don't know how bad you had 'em,
but even Adam had 'em,
and Adam had 'em worser than you.

Adam & Eve Cork Screw
and Bottle Opener
Acquired August 2002 at
Just Stuff in Wareham, Massachusetts

Fine Art in Small Packages

It's hard to imagine who thought this was an appropriate way to present the work of some of the finest painters of the last couple of centuries. Here we have a 1 x 2 by 1 3/4 inch plastic television with a viewfinder on the back and eight slides of major works of art inside. From Gauguin to Monet, Van Gogh to Lautrec, one can only view these works by squinting through a 1/4 inch opening with a magnifier. "Starry Night" loses something with this rendering, as does one of Monet's winter haystack series, which must be renamed "Muffins with Anthrax," if one went by their appearance here. Truly a naïve attempt at sophistication, and as such, a tacky treasure.

Plastic television with fine art slides
Gift of Janice Goldblum, 2001

Oscar

This candleholder is just about 14 inches high. When I held him for the first time, I got the sensation of receiving an award at the Oscar Awards. I felt myself saying, "I want to thank the Academy for this award, as well as my banjo instructor, Chris Romaine, and my banjo maker, Kevin Enoch."

I think we should make copies of these to present to the old-time banjo contest winners at Clifftop, don't you?

Metal candleholder in the shape
of a banjo player
Gift from Jan Westervelt,
acquired from a thrift store in Baltimore, September 2001