The Twelve Tacky Days of Christmas

This is a great sing-along with friends, especially if you have all the actual items to display as you sing the carol.

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The Miracle on 34th Street

You stroll down Chestnut Avenue, and take a left on 34th Street, and suddenly evening turns to almost day. The houses are lit, and the street is bustling with people. Maybe it's tacky, but you have to admire the spirit of the folks on 34th Street, who have been doing this for years. Everyone should see this at least once.

My favorites were the Christmas tree made of hubcaps and the sleigh pulled by eight crabs, all carrying tins of Old Bay.

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34th Street, Hampden
Baltimore, Maryland

How do you tell that this Santa's embarrassed?

His cheeks are red!

This delightfully tacky Santa was purchased at the Takoma Street Festival in October 2004, from the actual artist. She didn't seem pleased when I pointed out that it was a tacky Santa. She feigned politeness and said, "I like to think of it as whimsical." And yet she has also created an all-feline Nativity scene, which doesn't figure in any theology that I know of. Little did she know that she was receiving a high compliment from me, the Tacky Queen of Silver Spring, if not the world. She'll learn, when all my fans go to her website to order this Naughty Santa.

http://www.whimsicalclaycreations.com/

Santa will be a big hit this Christmas!

Yes, nothing says Christmas like taking a swing at Santa's head with a wooden stick. I found this at an antique store south of Richmond. I'll bet the owner never thought he'd get rid of it. Santa's white beard is kind of yellowed and tattered, like it has been around a long time.

I'll bet someone brought this piñata to a school, thinking it would be a fun treat for the kids, but instead, it made them cry. "Wah!!! We're not going to hit Santa! He brings us presents! Wah!!" And frankly, I don't blame them.

Santa Piñata
tissue paper and papier mache
Purchased February 2004
Richmond, Virginia

Humbug

I'm not a Scrooge, really. I just get tired of Christmas carols by Thanksgiving, especially after they've been playing everywhere since right after Halloween. This tiny pin is my quiet protest. It's also an expression of solidarity with people who get Christmas rammed down their throat even if it's not part of their theology.

Christmas is the time of year I like to think about, and to show, how fortunate I feel to have the friends and family that I do. And that's something that anyone can do, regardless of religion.

Humbug pin
Acquired in a thrift store
in Wheaton, circa 1980?

Dingle Bells, Dingle Bells

The top tacky treasure of the First Annual Tacky Treasures Road Show (May 27, 2001) was presented by Kevin Bell.

What can I say? This tacky treasure speaks for itself. It dispenses small, brown candies from, well, surely you can imagine. That's why it's such a tacky treasure.

Thanks to all who brought their tacky treasures for appraisal. Next year, I promise to keep a straight face, especially when saying, "Do you have any idea how tacky this thing is?"

Christmas Reindeer
Plastic, with brown candies inside
Courtesy of Kevin Bell.

It's back!
The Reindeer Movie

The Lincoln Collection at the
Library of Congress

One could work many years at the Library of Congress, and still not discover all its treasures. It took me four years to find this one.

The Lincoln Collection at the
Library of Congress
Glenn Gardner, Curator

Love Kubes™

I had no idea that relationships could be so easily figured out. Love Kubes™ promise that you can "Slash therapy bills! Avoid irritating charlatans!" when you use their prognosticatory properties. Just think about your lover, or a potential lover, and the cubes will tell you everything you need to know.

Here are the simple instructions:

"1. Close eyes. 2, Cradle Kubes lovingly in hands. 3. Meditate on a partner of your choice. 4. Roll the Kubes. For faster results, you may wish to go directly to Step 4."

For faster results?!?! Like it takes such a long time to accomplish steps 1 through 3? If you can't go through all four steps like the instructions say, you aren't patient enough to be in a relationship. Give the opposite sex a break if you can't wait that long!!!!!

I tried an alternative use for them. I closed my eyes and cradled the cubes lovingly in my hands. I thought, "What can my lover expect from ME?" I rolled the dice, and they came up with "NO BOREDOM." Damn, they're good.

http://www.karmatorium.com/

Love Kubes™
plastic dice with instructions
purchased August 2004
Jacksonville, Florida

Love Cuffs

"Stay close to the one you love." That's pretty much all you need to know about this product. Now, allow me to make two things perfectly clear:

• I bought these purely for their tackiness,
• If anyone I know actually owns a set of these, I do NOT want to hear about it.

Thank you.

Love Cuffs
Purchased at Sandy's Bargain Center, Hampden neighborhood, Baltimore, Maryland
March 2003

Barfing Pumpkin

This picture has been floating around the Internet for a few years, but it still makes me laugh. I wish I'd thought of this.

Flashing witch
Civitan Flea Market
Arlington, VA. 2005

Alright! Alright! Just cover yourself up and I'll give you ALL the candy!

Naked witch earrings
Gift of Carl Gregory
Purchased in
Venezuela, 2004

Wear these earrings while trick or treating, and tell me what you get. I don't think I could wear these out of the house. Still they're awfully cute. I just wish I had something to not wear with them.

Bob and his jack-o-lanterns
(or is it Jacks and their bob-o-lantern?)