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Tacky Treasures Road Show 2014

Intro - Winners - Prizes - Also Rans

The Tacky Treasures Road Show is modeled after the PBS program "Antiques Roadshow," except that in this case the question the appraiser always asks is, "Do you have any idea how tacky this is?" I love the sound of that, so I do it every year.

This was the second year that the Tacky Treasures Road Show took place outside of my home. It has outgrown my living room and dining room, where for the past few years, I haven't had enough chairs for all the people who have come. I think I've found the perfect venue: the Silver Spring B&O Train Station. No longer used as a station, it has been restored (by Montgomery Preservation, Inc.) to look as it did in 1945, complete with ticket booth, lockers, phone booth, and a waiting room with comfy benches.

There were 22 entries, down again from last year. If we don't get our numbers up again next year, I'll have to consider moving the Tacky Treasures Road Show back to my house. But that would mean I'd have to clean my house, so maybe not.

This year's judges were: Jeff Chumley, Carolee Rand, and Betsy Fulford. While they made their deliberations, I displayed the five prizes. I was so glad that I was able to get rid of -- I mean find some things in my collection worthy of serving as prizes in the road show.

This show would be nothing if not for the enthusiastic participants who enter the competition. There was stiff competition for the five prizes, and as far as I'm concerned, anyone who didn't win can rightfully say, "I came in sixth." I also want to thank, and give due credit, to everyone who sent me photographs.

Key to the photographers' codes on the photos: BC = Bob Cantor; JC = Jennifer Cutting; otherwise, photos are by Julie Mangin

The Winners

First Place: Twister Game Dress

Jennifer was going to be a judge, and she wanted to dress in style for the role. As soon as I saw her walk in dressed like a game of Twister, I knew that the dress needed to be entered in the show. Fortunately, she was willing to relinquish the duties of a judge. It turned out to be an excellent decision on her part, because she ran away with first prize.

I can't imagine anyone more perfect to show off this costume, which she accessorized with red tights and white boots. The keyhole décolletage was a nice touch, as well.

Second Place: Tacky Postcards

This pair of tacky postcards was a winner for first-time road show attendee, Karen Stuart. I think either one could have one on its own, though I suspect that it was the one on the left that did it.

The "Any Ass Can Smoke" postcard depicts the backside of a turkey with a lit cigarette sticking out of it. The triangular stub of the turkey's tail looks just like a nose, so a pair of sunglasses and a "gimme" cap makes it look almost human. A tacky way to send a non-tacky message: Don't smoke!

As for the second postcard, I've heard tell of fur bearing trout in the cold waters up North. This is proof that they actually exist, although what this one is doing with cheetah fur I'll never know.

Third Place: Nose Pepper Mill

Kathy Brumberger brought a pepper mill in the shape of a nose. I haven't seen many tacky pepper mills in my quest for tacky treasures, so I thank her for adding to the annals of tackiness.

Neither Kathy nor I would use such a thing at the dinner table. It's just too disgusting! Why would anyone use a human body part to deliver a condiment to their food? There is already a frightening number of salt and pepper shakers in the form of noses, butts, boobs, and penises (not to mention skulls, outhouses, toilets, and pregnant women).

I have only two tacky pepper mills in my collection. If I discover any more, I'll have to start a page called "Pepper Mills I'll Never Grind."

Fourth Place: Hoof Ashtrays

My best guess is that these are buffalo hooves, but lacking DNA testing, I don't know how anyone could prove otherwise. These were found in Ellen's late mother-in-law's basement. They may have been part of her husband's "man cave."

Ashtrays are not usually sold in pairs, so the guy must have really loved buffalo hooves or smoking, or both at the same time. I have a deer hoof ashtray in my collection, but the legs are too skinny to make an effective receptacle for cigarette ashes. Buffalo legs are much stouter, so these may have been more than just a novelty item. And they are tacky, to boot. Or to hoof. Whatever.

Fifth Place: Baby Head Lamp

Oh, the inhumanity! Disembodied baby heads float around the lamp, glowing eerily from the light bulb. I hope this was not for use in a child's bedroom, because I think it could easily give an adult a nightmare!

Liz says that it was represented to her as "art," which we all know is in the eye of the beholder. But so is "tacky." Just saying...

The Prizes

The winners, in order of their rank in the contest, were invited to select from the array of prizes.

• 1st place, Ukulele Egg Slicer
• 2nd place, Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Hand Soap
• 3rd place: Lung Ashtray
• 4th place, Bikini Bottom Door Stop (with apologies to Spongebob Squarepants)
• 5th place, Farting Fanny Bank

The Also-Rans

Lamp with monkeys wearing top hats entered by Chris Romaine I believe it was this item that provoked one of the judges to say, "That's just silly," as if everything else that was going on at the road show made perfect sense.	Corporal Punishment Shot Glass entered by Robert Patch This is probably a souvenir of the Croever Nacktarsch winery in Krov, a town about 90 miles west of Frankfort, Germany. The word "Nactarsch" in German means "naked ass."
Rumble Seat Ashtray entered by Julie Mangin "She's as nice a gal as you'd like to meet, but she loves to ride in the rumble seat." What are they saying about this young lady? Why is her head twice as big as her companion's? Why are they in bathing suits? And where, pray tell is the rumble seat? So many questions...	Doll head wreath entered by Liz Roll I'm not even sure what holiday this wreath is for! The doll heads encircling it are positively creepy, not to mention the disembodied arms. Liz received this from a "friend" who somehow thought she needed it.
Religious Shell Art entered by Julie Mangin The shells adorning this depiction of Our Lady of Lourdes and St. Bernadette are spectacular. Equally surprising is the choice of shells as a medium for an even that took place about 100 miles from the nearest ocean.	Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Hand Sanitizer entered by Mary Jane Cavallo This was a product that no one knew that they needed. Billed as the number one after-genital-contact hand sanitizer, I wonder if there is even a number two after-genital-contact hand sanitizer. I somehow doubt it.
Pug figurines Pug on the 4th of July and Puglamity Jane entered by Bob Cantor Bob called these, "Man's Inhumanity to Pugs." I am not so sure. I have noticed that, unlike other breeds, pugs are more willing to wear costumes. Here's my proof: example #1 and example #2	Pecker and boob pencil sharpeners entered by Bob Cantor These are tacky enough as pencil sharpeners, but the packaging is even tackier. The back of one of the packages includes the following clueless statement: "We designed this pencil sharpener as our solute [sic] to a very underrated and enjoyable experience for men that is, unfortunately not as equally satisfying for ladies." Oh, guys, don't worry about us.
Electric Nose Cleaner entered by Abbie Grotke For the picky person, of course	Paddy O'Hair entered by Nancy Daugherty A precursor to the Chia pet, this was especially appropriate since St. Patrick's Day was only a week ago.
Shower Set for Men Only entered by Denis Malloy I don't think I have to explain the intended use for the sponge and the soap with a hole in it. Denis says, "This no longer fits me." I'll take his word for it.	Inspirational Lollipops entered by Lia Religious-themed lollipops, what will they think of next? I just have to point out that the bibles with the crosses on them also look like coffins. No wonder no one ate these.
Cat Balls, or Kitty Eggs entered by Abbie Grotke Abbie wasn't sure what to call these, but I prefer Kitty Eggs. The other name is too tacky. Whatever you call them, though, it's hard to come up with a purpose for these things. Or as Abbie puts it, "Why? Why?"	Musical Sleepy Bunny Baby entered by Lisa Banyai & Joanne Nobile You wind up the bunny, and its head sways slowly and spookily, while the music box inside plays "Michelle." It's either very cute or very creepy, I haven't decided which. At least at the road show, it got the crowd to sing along.
Abraham Lincoln Cookie Cutter entered by Sandy Bostian Left behind by the Lincoln Commission, this cookie cutter was saved, when Sandy swooped in to preserve this remarkable memorial to our 16th President.	Tasteful shirt entered by Mary Jane Cavallo (JC) M.J. calls this a "tasteful shirt for any occasion." She wore it to last year's road show, so that must be true.
Outhouse entered by Karen Collins & Fred Feinstein I knew that I'd seen this before! It was entered in the road show six years ago by Pete Marshall, of Charlottesville, Virginia. The road show rules say that a person can't enter the same thing more than once, but it can't be helped if two people enter the same thing several years apart. Karen wrote a poem, which accompanied her entry: There once was a fellow named Rick Standing here without any dick Not thinking ahead He jumped into bed With a gal named Lorena Bobbit.

That's all folks!