Tacky Treasures Road Show 2018
It's considered tacky to discuss the following in public: sex, religion, politics, and bodily functions. Being that this was the Tacky Treasures Road Show, we hit all four out of the park. It's what we do.
This year's road show took place on April 14, 2018 at the Silver Spring B&O Train Station. There were 26 fabulously tacky entries and about 42 attendees.
Before presenting the winners and the also-rans, I'd like to thank the following:
Key to the photographers' codes on the photos: BC=Bob Cantor; LR=Liz Roll; Photos not marked were taken by Julie Mangin.
First Place: Polish Can of Sexiness
Abbie and Denis came across this gem during a visit to a Wroclaw, Poland department store and decided that they had to bring it home to the United States. Alcohol may have been involved. I don't know how they resisted the urge to open the can the moment they bought it, but they did. Lucky for me, and all the attendees, Abbie and Denis waited until the night of the Tacky Treasures Road Show to open it on stage.
If I can believe the Google translation of the label on the can, the product is "100% canned woman." It goes on to proclaim that the contents are: sexy thong, sexy spoon, 100% women's pen (?), a ticket for a lollipop, and erotic condoms. On the other side of the can could be found an inscrutable warning that the contents were "wretched gadgets for the sexy woman." (This might actually be a failure on the part of Google Translate.)
After we opened the can, this is what we found: a sleep mask with "Be Naughty" in English, a penis whistle, a penis key chain, a spoon with a handle in the shape of a penis, and a coupon for a lollipop which proclaims, "Because every woman will admit that the best licks are sexy men." The coupon is certified as genuine by the Polish Corporation for Pleasure. Apparently, they don't have the same truth-in-labeling laws that we have here in the U.S.
I have so many questions about this product. Where's the sexy thong? Where are the all-important erotic condoms? What is a 100% women's pen, and would it help me get my book published? If this is supposed to be a can of 100% woman, why are 3 of the 5 items in the shape of a penis? (That would make it 60% sexy man.) And what is a person to do with that spoon?
Disappointing as these contents were, they produced a lot of laughs at the show. And later, as you will see, they were put to good use!
For first prize, Abbie chose the "MAW" West Virginia souvenir mug.
Second Place: Ceramic Balloon Animal
Liz called this "the best office grab-bag gift ever." I'm inclined to agree. But is it tacky? I think it's cute! However, as noted in the rules, the judges' decision is final.
Third Place: Smiling Megacolon
This is a souvenir of the Mutter Museum, a museum of medical history located in Philadelphia. It is based on an item in its collection, the world's largest colon. Sometimes, being the largest is not a good thing. The man whose colon it was died of the condition.
A plush colon with a smiley face on it is certainly tacky. But, as Ellen pointed out, it can also be used as a neck pillow. Like the items in the Polish can of sexiness, it was put to good use later in the show.
Fourth Place: Beauty Contest Talcum Powder
This is one of those products you look at and just go, "Huh?" All we know about this product is that it is from Nigeria, and there are three different beauty contestants on the other side of the can.
The bathing suits seem to be from the pre-bikini era, perhaps the early 1940s. But the can is in remarkably good condition, so who knows when it was made. No word yet on if Anita has tried to use the talcum powder, or if it makes her feel like a beauty contestant.
Anita selected for her prize the book, Kitsch: 20th Century Icons, by Wayne Hemingway.
Fifth Place: The Answer: A Gymnaires Musical
This is Mark's second road show, and like last year, He brought another weird LP. Last year's entry, Cutting Loose, featured a girl in hot pants with a rainbow that appears to be coming out of her cooter (I'm sure it was just an accident). This year's entry is much more tasteful.
From the album jacket:
The Gymnaires were a gymnastic group from the 1970s that had teams at various Seventh Day Adventist colleges. So, as you might have guessed, "The Answer" is God.
Mark's prize was the "Bug Out Bob" salt and pepper shakers.
Sixth Place: Jesus at the United Nations
This kitschy print is of a 39-story high Jesus Christ knocking at a window at the United Nations building in New York. Ed remarked, "Well, at least it's not John Bolton at the window."
This image evokes the following Bible verse:
Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me. (Revelation 3:20)
I'd like Jesus to have a word or two with John Bolton, but maybe that's just me.
For his prize, Ed left with a genuine tacky treasure, the Hawk Shot mug, which you can read about here: http://tackytreasures.com/topics/hawkshot.html
Honorable Mention: Donald J. Trump Piñata
Liz Roll's entry deserves an honorable mention for the way it was used throughout the show. Even before the show got underway, it was noticed that another entry featuring the Russian newspaper Pravda (or Правда, if you will) was placed in front of The Donald. It was totally an accident, I swear!
When the Polish can of sexiness was opened, the sleep mask, the dick whistle, and the dick spoon somehow made their way to the Trump piñata. Next, the Happy Dolls gravitated in his direction (such clueless bimbos). When Ellen suggested that the Smiling Megacolon could be used as a neck pillow, it ended up around his neck. It seemed to belong there, curving toward his mouth as if it was a pipeline for his verbal output.
Liz claims that the piñata is not filled with candy but with miniature bottles of liquor like you get on an airplane. When I suggested that we break it open, she said, "Oh, no, I'm saving this for the impeachment party." Good thinking, Liz.
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